Work is slow today. Techs aren't doing much until later tonight and by then I'll be home. I finished my little projects for the day and I'm on my lunch break now. I brought my food from the Taphouse Grill that I went to last night with Jason and Josh. It was a smart idea seeing as I didn't have to leave to get food and I didn't have to spend money to buy food. Frugal Sarah over here, starting to think Sandra is rubbing off on me.
This apartment is going to be my number one focus. Numero uno. I'm looking at apartments right now, actually. Jason mentioned to me that I could move to NC with him. Live in the den... it's a thought. But it would mean that I would have to leave my school, my job, my brother, and my best buddy. And if I left I'm sure me and Da'Vi wouldn't last too long. He doesn't come off as the long distance relationship kind of guy. Even so, I think moving that far would an even bigger strain on my life. Not something I feel like I need right now.
So the other day, at lunch, my dad said that this is supposed to be my year. I wasn't exactly sure what he meant by that but it made me think. I'm starting to see that this is my year. This is the year when I'm going to have to sink or swim.
I'm leaving home at some point in the first half of this year. I'm getting out on my own. I have a full time job now, we'll see how long this lasts. I have my own car now and I'm paying my own bills. I'm applying to a real university (UIC) and this is the year that I am going to either prove that I can handle it... and I can shovel my way out of all the shit that will be put in front of me or I can't handle it and I'll go crawling back to my mother. I'm going to make it or break it. I do wonder though, if I don't make it... who is going to be by my side to help me out of the mess I put myself in.
I remember going through some hard times when I was younger. I remember thinking that I would never have money and I would be stuck in debt forever. I thought I would always be sad or angry and that I'd be stuck in my situation until I died. A bit melodramatic, ay? Teenagers. What are you gonna do. Looking past my dramatics though I can see that I have always found a way. When all I have a is a penny to my name, I make that penny into a dime somehow. And make that dime into dollar. And make that dollar into my car payment. I'm resourceful, to an extent.
Instead of relying on being resourceful. I want to rely on thinking ahead. Anyone can change. If you have enough drive.. enough resolve.. than anyone can change. I'm relying on my resources to get me OUT of my house. But, I am relying on myself for KEEPING me out of my house.
Only time will tell how my little story will pan out. The one thing I always remember though... is that I am the author and publisher of this story. The pen is in my hand not anyone elses. And we all know... the pen is mighter than any sword. Time to start writing my masterpiece.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Sunday, January 3, 2010
So I Guess I Made a Blog
I've always wanted to start a blog, I suppose I just never got around to it. Well...
The day has come.
I'm not really sure why I always wanted a blog but I think it's becuase I have a terrible memory. Or perhaps I just have a very selective memory... either way this blog should help me recall events a little more vividly. Now, where to start?
I had surgery in June. June 19th 2009, actually. It was incredibly painful. I can't really remember how bad it hurt now, but I know it was terrible. I remember the heparin shots I had to take 3x a day were so painful. They made me arms and stomach completely black from all the bruising. My mom and Josh would be the ones to give me the shots, I think it hurt them to hurt me but still, I'm sure I was in more pain from those damn things. It was searing pain that finally ended after two weeks. I remember being so happy the day I took my last shot. :)
I guess that wasn't the hardest part though. The surgery was a long time coming.. I decided to have it way back when in January of 2008. There were lots of doctor appointments, psych visits, and nutritionist meetings to be had before I could get it. I also had to meet with my surgeon, Dr. Jeffrey Rosen, quite a few times as well. It all turned out though. The pain did suck, but here I am... 7 months later and about 55lbs lighter. I still have a ways to go but I know my journey will have an end... eventually. I'm in no hurry. Good things come in time, for those of us who wait. I'll keep waiting...
My first real relationship came when I was 17 years old. Still in high school, swept up in everything that is a first love. High school love just doesn't last. You meet someone when you are still so unsure of who you are and what your plans are... how can you expect to still be compatible with someone after you grow up and become your own person? Well, needless to say. It didn't last. After about 3 years of trials and so many tribulations we completely split ways. Actually, we can never really split ways but emotionally speaking, I'm out. Physically, we will always have the bond of our little neice Elle. Which is ok with me, really. Noe is harmless. If I still had feelings for him then maybe he would be a threat to my future suitors but I'm free and clear of his nonsense. The only thing I would consider him for is friendship. However, I don't like to dwell on the past so I'll move forward.
After him came Will... I guess you couldn't really count that as a relationship. But it did let me do something that I had never done. Got a little adventurous. Flew to meet up with a guy I essentially only knew over the phone and webcam. It was something new. I wouldn't do it again. Because I realized that, for the sake of being adventurous, I was making excuses for his personality. I knew we weren't meant to be a couple... or anything more than friends. I think secretely he still has a little warm spot for me but he'd never admit it. We don't talk so much anymore, I'm sure we'll be AIM buddies for a while though. Again, I've checked out of that friendship/relationship.
On to the next one, right?
Now I'm with Da'Vi... this relationship was a shot in the dark. I didn't expect him to like me. Not.. like me, like me. But I guess you can never assume that you know someone... just by the way they look. I had TONS of reservations about him though. From when we first started talking... it felt right, but the things he said... made it feel wrong.
I guess without realizing it, in the past, I had always settled for the guys who looked good on paper... but didn't look so good in real life, figuritively and physically. They always had a SHORT past and would always fall super hard for me... very quickly. It helped being with guys like that though, because it gave me confidence. But that confidence also worked against them because it showed me that I'm worth more than the nonsense they put me through. I was done settling.
I figure I should shoot above what I think I am worth, physically at least, and see what I hit. It's rare that I meet someone I think is smarter than me. Especially a guy that I am interested in. Because I am a cocky girl. Maybe I'm not the girl at the club with all the guys trying to holler at her BUT I'm the girl who can talk her way out of anything and use her skills for something that will actually profit me in life. There are lots of girls out there who can shake their ass for attention. But there are many less girls that can use their words to gain attention.
Bringing it back to my point though, I was shooting above myself with this guy. He was smarter than the other guys. Maybe he didn't make as much money as them.. and wasn't in school the way they were BUT... I felt that, regardless, he was intelligent. Not smarter than me but could attempt to go toe to toe with me for a few minutes at least. :) He wasn't in school which was a red flag but I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt on that one. Said he wanted to go back to school... I figured waiting a couple months to see how that turned out couldn't hurt me. There were numerous red flags actually the biggest one being his extensive... past. In the beginning I brushed it off for the sake of getting to know him, because I knew if I put my defense up right away then I would've never let myself even BEGIN to like him as a person. Not just a face on FB.
I remember when I first went to his house... I seriously thought he was gay. And I remember being SO disappointed haha. Looking back now it's actually pretty funny thinking about it. I remember being slightly devastated that he was gay. Turns out though... his voice is just super fruity the first few times you talk to him! Even after meeting him that day though, I still didn't really think he liked me. Things progressed so fast with him. We never really had a first date. Everything about our relationship was so untypical for me. I think that's why.. now.. 5 months later things are still on a positive note. I have no idea if the way we started, or the things we did or said were different from his past... but I know it was definitely going against the grain in my life.
Obviously, we are still together. I'll delve deeper with this situation at a later time though. I'm a little too upset to think about the positives in my life at the moment. I guess tonight is just going to be a dreary night for me.
Although I would love to explain todays events, I just don't have the energy. Essentially I was kicked out of my house, then allowed back, but still, needing to escape. These next few months, hell this whole year is going to be full of changes and brand new experiences. I'm hoping it goes well, actually I'm expecting it to all go GREAT. Because this year, I have resolve. I know that it's me against the world. And I'm not taking any guff. As far as 2010 is concerned... Veni Vidi Vici bitches!
Until tomorrow...
The day has come.
I'm not really sure why I always wanted a blog but I think it's becuase I have a terrible memory. Or perhaps I just have a very selective memory... either way this blog should help me recall events a little more vividly. Now, where to start?
I had surgery in June. June 19th 2009, actually. It was incredibly painful. I can't really remember how bad it hurt now, but I know it was terrible. I remember the heparin shots I had to take 3x a day were so painful. They made me arms and stomach completely black from all the bruising. My mom and Josh would be the ones to give me the shots, I think it hurt them to hurt me but still, I'm sure I was in more pain from those damn things. It was searing pain that finally ended after two weeks. I remember being so happy the day I took my last shot. :)
I guess that wasn't the hardest part though. The surgery was a long time coming.. I decided to have it way back when in January of 2008. There were lots of doctor appointments, psych visits, and nutritionist meetings to be had before I could get it. I also had to meet with my surgeon, Dr. Jeffrey Rosen, quite a few times as well. It all turned out though. The pain did suck, but here I am... 7 months later and about 55lbs lighter. I still have a ways to go but I know my journey will have an end... eventually. I'm in no hurry. Good things come in time, for those of us who wait. I'll keep waiting...
My first real relationship came when I was 17 years old. Still in high school, swept up in everything that is a first love. High school love just doesn't last. You meet someone when you are still so unsure of who you are and what your plans are... how can you expect to still be compatible with someone after you grow up and become your own person? Well, needless to say. It didn't last. After about 3 years of trials and so many tribulations we completely split ways. Actually, we can never really split ways but emotionally speaking, I'm out. Physically, we will always have the bond of our little neice Elle. Which is ok with me, really. Noe is harmless. If I still had feelings for him then maybe he would be a threat to my future suitors but I'm free and clear of his nonsense. The only thing I would consider him for is friendship. However, I don't like to dwell on the past so I'll move forward.
After him came Will... I guess you couldn't really count that as a relationship. But it did let me do something that I had never done. Got a little adventurous. Flew to meet up with a guy I essentially only knew over the phone and webcam. It was something new. I wouldn't do it again. Because I realized that, for the sake of being adventurous, I was making excuses for his personality. I knew we weren't meant to be a couple... or anything more than friends. I think secretely he still has a little warm spot for me but he'd never admit it. We don't talk so much anymore, I'm sure we'll be AIM buddies for a while though. Again, I've checked out of that friendship/relationship.
On to the next one, right?
Now I'm with Da'Vi... this relationship was a shot in the dark. I didn't expect him to like me. Not.. like me, like me. But I guess you can never assume that you know someone... just by the way they look. I had TONS of reservations about him though. From when we first started talking... it felt right, but the things he said... made it feel wrong.
I guess without realizing it, in the past, I had always settled for the guys who looked good on paper... but didn't look so good in real life, figuritively and physically. They always had a SHORT past and would always fall super hard for me... very quickly. It helped being with guys like that though, because it gave me confidence. But that confidence also worked against them because it showed me that I'm worth more than the nonsense they put me through. I was done settling.
I figure I should shoot above what I think I am worth, physically at least, and see what I hit. It's rare that I meet someone I think is smarter than me. Especially a guy that I am interested in. Because I am a cocky girl. Maybe I'm not the girl at the club with all the guys trying to holler at her BUT I'm the girl who can talk her way out of anything and use her skills for something that will actually profit me in life. There are lots of girls out there who can shake their ass for attention. But there are many less girls that can use their words to gain attention.
Bringing it back to my point though, I was shooting above myself with this guy. He was smarter than the other guys. Maybe he didn't make as much money as them.. and wasn't in school the way they were BUT... I felt that, regardless, he was intelligent. Not smarter than me but could attempt to go toe to toe with me for a few minutes at least. :) He wasn't in school which was a red flag but I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt on that one. Said he wanted to go back to school... I figured waiting a couple months to see how that turned out couldn't hurt me. There were numerous red flags actually the biggest one being his extensive... past. In the beginning I brushed it off for the sake of getting to know him, because I knew if I put my defense up right away then I would've never let myself even BEGIN to like him as a person. Not just a face on FB.
I remember when I first went to his house... I seriously thought he was gay. And I remember being SO disappointed haha. Looking back now it's actually pretty funny thinking about it. I remember being slightly devastated that he was gay. Turns out though... his voice is just super fruity the first few times you talk to him! Even after meeting him that day though, I still didn't really think he liked me. Things progressed so fast with him. We never really had a first date. Everything about our relationship was so untypical for me. I think that's why.. now.. 5 months later things are still on a positive note. I have no idea if the way we started, or the things we did or said were different from his past... but I know it was definitely going against the grain in my life.
Obviously, we are still together. I'll delve deeper with this situation at a later time though. I'm a little too upset to think about the positives in my life at the moment. I guess tonight is just going to be a dreary night for me.
Although I would love to explain todays events, I just don't have the energy. Essentially I was kicked out of my house, then allowed back, but still, needing to escape. These next few months, hell this whole year is going to be full of changes and brand new experiences. I'm hoping it goes well, actually I'm expecting it to all go GREAT. Because this year, I have resolve. I know that it's me against the world. And I'm not taking any guff. As far as 2010 is concerned... Veni Vidi Vici bitches!
Until tomorrow...
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